You know what? I've had it

I'm an absolute sucker for personality tests. And if you combine a personality test with an improve your health or looks quiz, I'm gone, which is what happened tonight as I looked over some selections from Dr. Oz's new book, "You: Beautiful Inside and Out" (or something like that). There was a point in his quiz -- which measures your You-Q -- in which you pick words that most describe yourself. I immediately, reflexively went to words like, "unflappable" and "easy going." Suddenly, I heard myself telling myself, "You are lying" and I knew I was, and I just wanted to cry.

Now hold on a minute, because there is some truth there. Here is how I am unflappable:
In an emergency, I am preternaturally calm. I'm your girl. You want me on your team. I think calmly, rationally, cooly; I see the escape route or the fix step-by-step and I can execute it and get myself out of a bad mess.

Work pressure: no problem (at least not on the outside). I'm known to be level headed, even tempered and analytical. You won't catch me sweating (but you won't catch me gulping down a pint of Ben and Jerry's and half a pizza at home alone after work, either).

I'm reasonable. When the toddlers who have come to my tiny apartment for Shabbos dinner run around and make a mess, or have a little melt down, it honestly doesn't bug me. First, I love them. Second, I've prepared my apartment ahead of time and moved anything truly valuable or breakable out of their reach. Third, they are two years old! What do you expect them to do???

The latter part is the honestly easy going part of me, the Ruth part of me, the reason I was so drawn to her and chose her name when I became a Jew.

The former part is what I always thought was the easy going me, but isn't: it is the PTSD me. The part that calms down unnaturaly, that disassociates when she senses danger is near. It's the part of me that I angry that I have to live with. I mean really, really angry -- because living your life as if danger is lurking aroud every corner is just not fun. And I would like it to stop now please.

In dating, in so much of life, I tried to present myself as such an easy-going person. I did not want to present my opinions. I wanted to be sweet and calm and likeable. I wanted to be affable because I didn't think I should be myself. I suspect that what I was actually coming off as was reserved, distant, uninterested.

Here is the truth of me:

I am an incredibly generous person. I am very giving of my time, my money, my efforts. I am passionate about the well being and happiness of certain people and groups. I am very caring.

That is genuine. But ironically, I think I've been hiding that -- if that makes any sense. And you know what, I'm not really very easy going. Yes, I'm good in an emergency. I was good with those toddlers because 1) I love those particular children and 2) c'mon, they are two years olds -- what do you expect them to do? But I'm not an easy going person: so many things make me so mad! And I have strong opinions, and strong beliefs, and strong feelings and I don't want to hide them any longer.

I've had it. I am done lying to myself. I like the picture I chose of Ruth for this blog because she is big and strong and bent down and working hard, and that is me. I don't want to believe the story I've written about myself any longer: Sweet little me, working so hard to not make anyone angry so that nothing bad will ever happen to her again. Sweet litte me, believing anything you say about me--accepting your sickness as my own--because I don't know what to believe about myself.

What I mainly feel right now is anger. Anger at my past, anger at the insidiousness of the fictions that have taken root inside of me. Please G-d that I will not feel this forever.

I don't know what I want from this blog. I don't know what I will say or will not say, reveal or not reveal. I may never write another post. All I know right now is that from this point on, I've decided that there is one new rule for my life:

Du kannst nicht auf meinem rucken pishen unt mir sagen class es regen ist. - You can't pee on my back and tell me that it's rain!

Yes!