Maybe baby

I read about a non-profit today that provides services to women in Israel who are seeking abortions. This service seeks to prevent abortion by providing economic assistance in order to stimulate an "inner aliyah." Their point is not that abortion is wrong--(I happen to believe it is)--but that there is in Israel a demographic crisis and that preventing abortions is one way to solve it. According to their site, Muslims will be a majority population in Israel by 2020 simply due to higher birth rates. We need to have Jewish babies -- lots of them -- in order to prevent this.

I've never really felt my biological clock ticking. This doesn't surprise me because I -- like a lot of rape victims I think -- have felt so estranged from my body for so long that it is hard to know what it wants. I either overeat or undereat. I oversleep or undersleep. I'm not in touch with my physical self. But I do want a family. And I have about 12 months to have one if I am going to give birth at all. I do find abortion morally repugnant, although I am adamant that it remain legal and safe (and because of my personal experience, I can't believe people who would outlaw it for both rape and incests ... those a**holes MAKE ME SO MAD. They have no idea what they are talking about). The moral distance this organization took from the issue struck me as odd, even untrustworthy. But it also struck me in another way: it made me want to have a baby.

I held my friend's new born for hours and hours last Shabbat. This dear friend has been blessed with two of the calmest, most centered children I've ever met. Her newborn futzed a bit, but mostly just slept a deep, gentle sleep in my arms while I gently rubbed his tummy and his little feet. I love children and they tend to like me, but I haven't ever felt a strong pull to be a mother. What struck me today was that I should have children: I should give birth to more Jews. When I decided to convert, I never considered for even a second doing anything other than an Orthodox conversion. Part of my reasoning what that I wanted my children to be fully, halachically Jewish. Then my conversion ended up taking four years, and during that whole time I was a good gerus candidate and I didn't date. I went through a lot of other things though: I also gained a lot of weight. I never expected the conversion to take so long. I never expected, frankly, to go four years without sex! (I never also thought that I would only want to have sex with my husband; I used to live a very different life). Now I am a Jew. I am 40. I am not married. I don't feel good about how I look so I don't let my personality come through when I have the opportunity. Children could be out of the question, no matter what my motivation for them.

Do I have an obligation to have children because I am a Jew? Halachically of course I don't -- as a woman, it is not incumbant on me. But do I have a moral obligation to add the population? I am starting to feel that I do.

Issues of child birth aside, I've decided I am going to get back in the game. I'm tired of being alone -- tired of hurting for someone to touch me, to cuddle with me, to comfort me. I'm not sure how to square the old me with Ruth. Ruth doesn't know how to flirt (the old me didn't know when to stop). Ruth is scared because the language of Orthodox dating is so very, very different than the easy dance she used to do. How do I bridge these two places and find a middle ground?

I pray to Hashem to bring me my bashert, and, please G-d, to bless us with children. I know that I add this plea to the caucophany of Jewish voices all over the world who are pleading for the same thing. But please G-d, please.